A Resilient Reciprocity: Investing in Relationships

When it was my older sister, and I was constantly driving to her house while she never once came to mine, after many trips, I said no more. I had an art show, and she said that she wasn’t coming because she didn’t want to do the drive. Did she think I enjoyed the drive when I’d done it so many times?

That’s not reciprocity.  

In her creative explanation, she was letting me visit her. While she lived in a house by a lake that some people might call a vacation house, it was far from a vacation.

You know your experience and how you lived it. Don’t let them gaslight you.

For me, I was doing my job as a supportive sister as she was going through a rough time. On one such occasion, I noticed she was missing, only to find her passed out in a snowbank. Should I not have been there and had her well-being in mind, things could have gone badly. Frankly, I didn’t think she could be left alone.

I sacrificed building relationships in my own hometown. It also stifled my career because I wasn’t available for weekend emergencies. But family matters, so sacrifices were made. Until something important to me happened, and the excuse was weak. Shocking. Then saddening, then rage-inducing. Then I made peace with the newfound skill of being able to identify a narcissist.

When she had her first art show, she apologized, but it’s funny how a little “I’m sorry” doesn’t undo the damage or change any behavior. “I should have came,” she said, but that’s not the lesson that needed learning.

“I should have reciprocated in our relationship,” was what I needed to hear.

Narcissistic Tendencies

Not everyone is aware that they are takers in relationships. They have excuses, like all the things they have to do, all the people who are relying on them. It’s all code for how important they think they are. If they are saying it to you, it means that they certainly think they are superior to you. Their projects are more important than yours, their needs higher, their pain more immediate.

These people may not say that they are superior, but that’s the message and their truth.

They are the firstborn, who grew up accustomed to having a younger sibling look up to them and do what they are told. Boys who were raised to think that women exist merely to provide for their needs. They are the leaders of the pack, the captains of the teams, and on the covers of the magazines who exist on the attention of fandom and admiration. Of course, they deserve it, they think, pointing to all the people looking up at them.

It’s a long fall off the podium, and it does eventually happen.

One day, you will wonder where everyone went. One day, there’s no one left to order around, whose heartstrings you can pull or who will fall for your sad story of need.

When you can’t say no to other people’s requests, it’s those who are closest to you who get shafted. You are doing things for other people when they ask, but what about those who ask that you never get, because you should have noticed and known, but didn’t?

You think of yourself as generous, but you have nothing to give because you’ve used it all up.

There is no extra time, money, or energy. Over-committed and over-burdened, you require constant assistance, favors, and support.  

Constant Crisis Mode

When a crisis hits, these narcissists expect other people to fill in the gaps – and there are always gaps because there are always people to impress, people to use, and relationships to abuse.

There are certain people I hear from only when they want a favor. Others only bring me bad energy and expect me to lift them every time, but aren’t there for me when I’m down. Reciprocity doesn’t have to mean getting the same thing back, but something of equal value in return. Maybe they can’t ever lift anyone, and if they knew how, they wouldn’t need me to do it. But if that’s all the relationship is, then it’s point one for them and zero for me.

Make sure you check the score at least once in a while to avoid the constant crisis mode from taking over and leaving you only worse for wear.

Everything, from cars to houses to relationships, requires some time and energy from you. When I bought a house, my dad said that’s where all mine would be going. When my older sister had a house, a business, two kids, and kept adding to that list, I was glad that I wasn’t one of the people filling in gaps for her because there was no way she had enough capacity to manage all of that, let alone return any favors.

Instead, I found things in my life that I thought were worth my time and energy, even if they were unimpressive in comparison. The point was that they were mine. I had a life to live and things to do, even if I spend most of my time wondering what to do with all my time, money and energy.

I’m glad I didn’t squander it on someone who would never put me or mine first.

Shifting Perspectives

There was much pressure to keep giving, giving, giving, when it was all take, take, take. My father took her side, which should not have been such a surprise – that’s how I was trained to be as we were growing up.

I’d also been through a great deal of therapy to convince me that I had worthy goals and ambitions of my own, even if they were squashed and unsupported. A different family would have led me into happiness, not misery, so I learned after failed suicide attempts.

Other people can shift your perspective. In fact, that’s what other people are there for – to see things through their perspective so you can shift your own. Until you become conscious of the role of others, you risk being gaslit and confused. When you harness this consciousness, you recognize people as they can’t recognize themselves.

For my sister, it’s how she was raised. She will plead innocence until her dying day. It’s not gaslighting when they are doing it completely unintentionally, but gaslighting it is when they refuse to accept your truth and cling stubbornly to the one that paints them in a better light than the one you offer.

That’s fine – we don’t need to agree with other people’s truths; we simply need to recognize them, accept them, and move forward with the insight into what to expect and what to trust from this other person.

I wished for more reciprocity in my primary relationship. Fifty-fifty or forget it, I said.

It was when I was asked how I was going to pay for my snowmobile that the kaleidoscope shifted and I started to see things differently.

I needed to pay about twenty grand, after my trade-in. When I ordered the sled in March, I didn’t worry about it. Partly because November seemed so far away, mostly, I wondered: should my toys be more valuable and luxurious than my vehicle?

Since then, the value of my trade has dropped by about 5,000 due to a decline in demand. The economy and uncertainty, everyone said.

I started adding up the hours I’ve volunteered and applied a routine minimum wage.

“Keep your receipts,” his mom had said, and I added up those.

Then, I added up things that I’d done that had added to his wealth, in ways that don’t matter until you sell. This sweat equity had reliably been a major contributor in the past, and I couldn’t accept that this avenue had come to a dead end, while I am skilled and still able.

Then I added up the time I’d been a waitress, a maid, a cook, a personal shopper, a technical assistant, an I.T. department, a handyman, a lumberjack, a gardener, a carpenter’s assistant, a butcher’s assistant, a fire tender, and a property maintainer.

After that, there were the birthday presents we’d split on half-and-half that weren’t divisible – table saws, power tools, and dirt. Literal shit as a present to build a garden.

I added this all up, just like they do in a divorce.

It’s a good thing I kept my receipts.

The night before heading on a long road trip to pick up our new snowmobiles, he said, “I put some money on the counter for you.”

I’ll have to stop at a bank and deposit it on the way to the snowmobile dealer because I don’t think they take cash.

Manifesting a Change

The next morning, the tarot lady was talking about the end of an old money situation because you made it happen. She said, “You manifested this.” Darn right, I did.

I could have ignored it and let it continue. I could have installed inner barriers against my natural tendencies to tinker, improve, and invest. In the past, I would have, as that’s the road I’ve taken in the past, only to finally accept my strategy is not optimal.

And have the courage and clarity to do something about it.

You can’t change anything until you recognize it, and when you recognize it, it gives you the first opportunity to do something about it. Go ahead and try the same thing twice, but when you realize you’ve done it before and there are no new excuses or ways to explain it away, you have a tough choice to make.

How much does it matter to you?

I care deeply about homes, equality, and communication. I’m not someone who says, “It’s not you, it’s me,” and backs away under the cloud of confusion.

I believe in empowerment. Being clear and specific is giving both parties a chance to improve – to learn how to screen for that problem earlier and avoid this kind of mismatch in the future, and if that person doesn’t like that reason, it gives them a chance to learn and grow.

For what gift is there in confusion? Protecting a relationship that you are leaving anyway?

Yes, I’ve been the one to provide “feedback” when everyone else leaves the exit interview silently, the surveys unanswered, and the comment boxes blank. I know I lack the ability to prioritize your impression of me as a sweet little thing.

Learning New Things

I’ve more interest in making sure you know I’m not stupid, timid, or tame. I believe in authenticity as core to health.

When we got home from hunting, the meat had to be divided. Last time around, I got a three-pointer, and my boyfriend got an eight. He called his dad and said, “Take as much as you want.” They did, and when we got home, we found we’d hardly got anything. I cried. Whole body cries because I’d been dreaming and working toward a freezer full of meat, not a week’s worth.

This time around, it was up to me to make sure it happened differently.

“We don’t need help,” was my starting demand.

Sure, it takes two people, and we were two. To prepare, I’d read everything I could about the butchering process, and we were ready to go.

I immediately noticed something was amiss. First, he wanted to prepare the antlers. He turned the meat saw on, and began angling. Quickly, he decided to abandon the effort, and we headed inside for lunch.

After lunch, I said, “You’ve never done this before, have you?”

“No.”

“I figured. Three rules. Don’t try to change the direction when you are cutting. Cut straight, that’s it. Don’t try to back up, you could break the blade. Let the blade do the work – if you push it you could break the blade. A blade takes two weeks to get. Don’t break the blade. That’s it really – don’t break the blade.”

With that agreement, I ensured he knew which cut came from where, and then I promised to shut up all day.

It was a long day, a productive one, in which no blades were broken. Promises were, but not blades.

Dividing a Share

Since there were three of us hunting, everyone was to get a third.

I put everything in piles of three, then took one from every pile to go to Dad. He said it was more meat than he’d seen in years, and I know he’s referring specifically to gun hunting season, and not the share from bow hunting season that should have made him “meat-rich,” as I say.

However, I still had burger to create. Since burger was pretty much all we got that year, his dad had sent over the family meat grinder. After I used the relic, I decided I was not sending it back until they asked for it. When they heard that I’d carried it upstairs to store it, they said, “She can lift that thing? She can keep it.” This year, we made the trip to the scale and I was surprised that it weighed only 73 pounds.

Dad called to let me know he was sending some of it back for grinding. I heard that he’d hoped for more, but his wife kept taking pieces out of the pile and claiming them for her stew.

After I ground everything, I loaded a box for him.

“You know how you told me thirds? It was more like half and half,” I said.

“Why?” my boyfriend asked, sure that I’d taken over all the work to make sure I got as much of it as possible. That was the thing to do.

Before it was Dad, it was someone else who said, “That’s just burger,” tossing good pieces on the pile and then saying, “I will take that, because it’s just burger,” and not instead of his portion, but in addition to it. I wonder what McDonald’s might say about the value of “just burger.”

Why? Because I could. It’s one thing to have it taken from you, but to be able to give it away is something else entirely. I might end up with the same amount, but it was my choice.

“Do you think he noticed he got a lot?”

I needn’t have asked. I got a text, “Thank you, Thank you, Thank you” with a prayer emoji. When handing out your generosity, make sure you give it to those who appreciate it, not those who expect it.

Everyone in town knows I filled my tag, and suddenly they are all saying to me, “I heard you got a deer.”

It feels wonderful to feel rich through the hard, dedicated work of your own and the miracle of an answered prayer (which also took work to figure out). I don’t think it feels the same when you have to rely on volunteers who are really more pressured, guilted, and manipulated into achieving the same.

It makes you want to tell everyone, so they can do it too, but I’ve learned it’s better to smile and accept the congratulations with a humble smile, and to stay away from people who will suck you into their projects and agendas and never contribute to yours.

Any story in which you are the protagonist is not a story anyone else wants to hear. This I know for sure, but thanks for reading all about me and doing my bragging for me.